Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.