Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over