Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*