Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.