Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
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It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*