Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
But that’s none of my business
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
White Castle for the Win
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.