Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.