Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
You Might Also Like
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My beach vacation Google searches
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Every work call, he judges.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.