Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
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I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs