Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.