Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials