Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

Skip intro

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”