Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap