Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.