Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.