Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Support your local cemetery
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!