Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.