Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again