Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Whoa 😂
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.