Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Covert ops
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.