Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*