Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.