Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)