Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Meow

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?