Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Old old old old old west

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.