“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
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“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I think I’ll stand
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
