“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
What
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Called it
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.