@NaaN_Conformist

Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.

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@BigJDubz

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

@better_off_dad2

It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

@sarahcpr

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

@Moe_Murdah

Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.

@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@iGreenBabe

I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.