Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.

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My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”


Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?


It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.


[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond


When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options


Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.


Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.


As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.


me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?


I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.