Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.