Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.