Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman