don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]