Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Every photo I’m tagged in
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Fruity
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child