Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates