Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???