Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check