Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

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Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.


I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.


I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.


Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant


When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.


That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.


[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.


Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.


It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”


Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?