Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs


*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.


No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.


HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing


[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.


*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”


Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it


BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us


When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman


If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.