@Brentweets

Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

You Might Also Like

@MartaEffing

Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.

@SaltyCorpse

I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.

@Darlainky

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@JPHaddadio

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@erichwithach

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

@beefman138

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

@3sunzzz

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!