If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?
ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing
[Me on a Date with my crush]
Me : Will u eat Burger??
Her : No, I’m eating light these days
Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us
When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.