@Brentweets

Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

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@ieatanddrink

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

@Arteymis

No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.

@sonictyrant

HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing

@d1dynasty_

[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

@DanaSchwartzzz

BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us

@DonQuickoats

When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.