Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
a lot to unpack here
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Software Development ⛵️
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Bed should get ready for ME
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me trying to reach for my goals
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.