Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Is this anything
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.