Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

looks legit

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf