Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
spot the difference
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way