Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.