@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

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@NotChuckBarkley

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

@SonOfCha

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

@spinubzilla

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

@RtrJan

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

@stevevsninjas

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

@samalmightysam

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.

@Ygrene

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

@eddie_ferrero

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

@dadtellsjokes

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature