Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.