Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

me, after any kind of buffet.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.