Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.