Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
two people or more is called a problem
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.