Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

i feel so bad i refunded him

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.