Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.