Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

My dog ate my work from home.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Van Gone