Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
😭😭😭
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
@ candidates for local office
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident