don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.