don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
