Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives