Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
The Friday File.
Beauty and the Beast
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours