Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
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I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*updates tinder bio*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”