DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
You Might Also Like
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.