DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.