Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*