Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.