“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.