“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece