Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Short story
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
