Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
This will never not be funny to me.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened