Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch