Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Remember folks 😂
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you