Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
3% human
97% stress
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”