Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

😭😭😭

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

this could fix me

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.