“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Easy enough.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls