@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

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@Darlainky

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

@internetluke

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@Dr_Dweezil

google glass is going to revolutionize the way america walks into oncoming traffic

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@not_thenanny

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

@causticbob

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

@ronleibach

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.