“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I have a black belt in leather
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”