Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this