Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My blood type is b hungry.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )