Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to