Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.