dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.


14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.


Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried


[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”




Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35


First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though


“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”


*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby