Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
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14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby