Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
You Might Also Like
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”